I loved celebrating Mother’s Day as a child. I would work so hard to save my pennies to get my mom the most thoughtful gift. While there was never one I could ever buy that could adequately explain how much I appreciated her, I tried my best to show her on this special day just how much I adored her. Whether it was her favorite chocolate (the ones with the cherries inside were her go-to) or magnets for the fridge (oh how she loved collecting those) or a world’s best mom tshirt (which she proudly wore) – I just wanted her to know that my love for her was endless. 

I lost my mother last year in March to terminal cancer. This will be my second Mother’s Day without her and it is almost more difficult than the first. For those of you who are also motherless daughters this time of year is the worst. My heart hurts walking into a store with all the Mother’s Day signage and gift ideas. Going down the card aisle has literally set me into a fit of tears reading the words “happy Mother’s Day I love you” because I’ve been stripped of the ability to buy one, sign it and hand it to my mom. It doesn’t sink in until you realize you can never buy and give one of those cards again. 

Mother’s Day makes me sad but it also makes me really bitter and mad. I aimlessly wonder the store and think how is it fair I can no longer celebrate this day with my mom here? Looking around at other people buying for their moms makes me jealous and resentful. While the world is happy and hugging I am left with my mothers ashes and only memories of how much this day meant to her and to me too. These are the feelings we have as children who have lost their mom.

Last year on this day I bought my mom a card anyway. I picked the one I would have bought if she were still alive. I filled it out with the words I would have told her and signed it, sealed it and put it under her urn. I told myself last year I will buy her a card for Mother’s Day every year. I will fill it out with all the things I am thinking and feeling. I will mark it with a number to signify which Mother’s Day it is. This year I will mark it with a 2 as the second year without her here on her day. Years from now, when I am old and a mom myself I will pick a day to open them and relive all of these feelings. 

After my mother passed away I found a bunch of cards that she saved. She always saved my cards and most of them were from Christmas and Mother’s Day. When I read them I cried and smiled and was so happy. Why? Because in every single card I wrote a long message and always told her just how much I loved her and how I hope to one day be even half as good of a mom to my children someday. When I read those old cards I am reminded that my mom always knew just how much I loved her. That I never left anything unsaid. That she left this world knowing that her daughter thought the world of her and that everything she did in life for me was appreciated. 

Even though my mother is gone from this world, and left due to a disease that took so much from her both physically and mentally, cancer could never take away the love we shared as mother and daughter. It could never strip her memory of those words every year. It will never win because my mom left to heaven knowing she was valued and loved more than words can ever say.

If you have lost your mom or she is no longer in your life this day will always be hard. It doesn’t seem like it will ever get easier, it just gets different. Don’t be afraid to still celebrate your mom. She is still with you and still sees everything. Let her know you haven’t forgotten and celebrate her life even though it has ended.

Happy Mother’s Day mom. I love you always and will celebrate with you again ❤️

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